My Never Do List

A number of years ago I wrote a poem (one of many, I'm afraid) that I would love to print here. I know there are several politically incorrect statements and some edging on obscene (and perhaps some that are downright obscene), so if you're sensitive to this type of material, turn away. This wasn't a particularly good weekend for me (although extremely educational and enlightening), so either skip it or suffer through it. These were my sentiments probably 15-20 years ago...and this weekend has reminded me how entirely true some of those still are. It's entitled:

My Never-Do List

Dopers, ropers, redheads and blondes
Married men, Mexicans, black guys and cons
Smokers and choir boys, men with a fist
This just begins my "Never Do List."

I don't want a man who's skinny or lean
Or one that's just plain damned mean
Give me a man that's kind of plump
With a tool that isn't just merely a stump.

I'd like a man with hair on his face
A man who knows how to make my heart race.
I'd like a man to make me smile,
Somebody that's actually worth my while.

Bring me a man a little stocky
Fun, yet pleasant, and not too cocky.
Send me a man a little thick
With a sense of humor and wit that's quick.

I like 'em ornery and full of shit
The kind that know when to chomp at the bit
Send me a "big boy" - that lights up my eyes
Who doesn't see me as "one of the guys."

I don't want a sissy or loudmouth or slut
Or a man who keeps eyein' another man's butt
You ask me why I'm doing without,
"Cause they're all ASSHOLES!!" I'll say with a shout.

It can't be me. I'm precious and sweet
Can't understand why I don't have men at my feet.
You'd think they'd be humble and grovel and beg,
Kiss my shoes, try to crawl up my leg.

But that just doesn't happen. I don't have a clue.
I've blamed my age, my weight, and my "do."
Am I too picky? Am I too proud?
Is it 'cause I get drunk and dirty and loud?

I don't mean to sound bitter or nasty and cold
But again I'll repeat what you've already been told.
When it comes to men and meeting my goals
I've got this problem 'cause they're all ASSHOLES!!


Ok...so maybe I won't make it to the Poets' Hall of Fame....and maybe those of you who know me will say I'm too old to react this way...and maybe some will realize this is why I'm still single and surely always will be.

Why is it that men seem to have a need to either lie and cheat, or dominate. I find that those who aren't doing the first two are usually doing the third one, and vice-versa.

I hope your weekend was better than mine. BUT.....I am counting my blessings. I asked the right questions at the right time......and.....I'm not in jail for maiming anyone!!!!! (And I guarantee he NEEDED maiming!!!!!!)

Onward and upward!!!!